Thursday, June 27, 2013


I recently moved back into my parents house since I'm of that generation where regardless of how much job experience and education you have, getting an Actual Job is next to impossible. While back at home, I remembered that my parents are extremely eccentric world travelers and that we own a lot of bizarre junk.

I went wow, what if this stuff were all magic items, picked up by a pair of intrepid adventurers? But I'm staggeringly lazy so I don't want to write this. Let's make G+ write it. So every day I took a picture of a weird thing in my house and went hey, what's this do.

Entries have one of the pictures (the originals usually had more just go give a sense of the item) and then responses listed by NAME OF PERSON.

This is a master post for keeping track of stuff. No, this isn't really Jammer Hearts related but it's my fucking blog and also I don't care. Yes, it's really fucking long. No, I don't care.


REYNALDO MANDRINAN: The Twin demon masks of Pao are the petrified faces of a two headed fiend. Putting one on grants the wearer the ability to comprehend languages and see through any disguise, though they see everything as an evil, warped version of itself.

If both are worn by seperate individuals within 6 feet of each other, the two fuse into the true form of Pao. The resulting creature has two legs, for arms, both faces and the combined HD and abilities of the mask wearer's. The better of their saving throws apply and the gestalt is immune to non-magical weapons.

The fusion ends in 1d10 + 2 rounds.

JOEY LINDSAY: These are portraits of Akak and Ung, carved by each other from their own bones. Anyone wearing either mask sees through the eyes of the other. If both masks are worn, the wearer does not suffer his own injuries, but that of the other. Wearers hear the song of Akak and Ung, and may sing it to cast Charm Person 3 times per day.
Akak and Ung, lovers of the time before, the end of a long lineage beginning with great Ameratsu herself (that included the Dragon Lady, ruler of the dead taken by the sea), loved each other so much that they feared the others' countenance passing from this land. Each carved the likeness of the other into the bony stump at the end of their tail, giving up that fearsome weapon so that they could at all times gaze upon their lover, even when apart.
When Akak and Ung were slain and passed from this world, men found they could not destroy the portraits with the rest of the bodies. Women smiled, and if they knew something they did not tell.

KASPAR BLOMBDELL: These masks are carved from the wooden skulls of Zygax and Xagyz, a pair of demonic brothers that cut a bloody swath of carnage through the world and up to the very gates of the Heavens themselves.

When worn individually, each mask does nothing, but when both are donned they allow the wearers perfect, unstoppable telepathic communication with one another, regardless of range, even planes.

Furthermore, their skills and abilities are fused. They combine their total hit points, use the highest of each ability score, use the highest of each save and gain access to any ability the other has. In short, they are the best of both in every conceivable way.

So deep is this synergy that they even share wounds and spells. If one is damaged, both will bleed. If one casts a spell, both forget it. They both count the bodies of the other as their own for every possible purpose, beneficial or otherwise.

If worn for more than 24 hours, the masks begin to fuse to the faces of the wearers, and within another hour become inseparable, cleaving to the very bone. Only death can remove them.

As time continues, the wearers become more and more alike not only one another, but the brothers Zygax and Xagyz....


BERTHA TANG: The Guardian of Kalira, this rose has the ability to cure poison and disease. Once it was a beautiful thing, but now it has been corrupted by all the vileness it has absorbed. If the rose is ever destroyed, a plague will be unleashed.

CHRIS PETERSON: The Iron Rose is so named for the moniker of an obscure deity of both beauty and eye-for-an-eye, harsh justice from the old, harsh world long gone. There is beauty in the unusual combination of iron, cold and uncompromising, with the flowering and elaborate nature of the rose. Or so say the deity's followers.

The Iron Rose is incredibly powerful, having the ability to control metal as well as plant.  It is especially powerful when its abilities are used to ensnare (such as entangle) or imprison (wall of iron).  Sadly, the desire to punish and enforce is subject to corruption just as iron may become rusted or plants may become sick. The accumulated rust on the rose signifies the spiritual weight of many punishments it has been used to inflict.   Curiously, almost as if the artifact itself were intelligent, it seems to have adapted to its primary use of punishment by actually compelling its user to seek out and find corruption, using its powers to wreak beautiful but merciless vengeance against such wrongdoers.

As a tortuter may become a sadist in order to endure the pain of inflicting torment upon others, it is rumored so too has the artifact. If this is true, then the rust on the Iron Rose must represent a corruption of its mission- to inflict punishment for punishment's sake, rather than punishment for corrective measures or retribution. One would suspect, then, that using the Iron Rose for any significant amount of time would afflict the same spiritual rust on its user.

KASPAR BLOMBDELL: The Iron Rose of the Charred Heart is as ancient as scorned lovers and broken hearts. It only awakens when held by someone consumed by rage at a former lover. Once it does, it wraps itself around their wrist and digs its blackened iron thorns into their palm, rendering the hand utterly useless for any purpose but wielding the rose.

In return it allows the wielder to sour any emotion, twist any feeling or relationship into a bitter, spiteful shadow of its former self. it turns lovers into hated enemies, patriots into ceaseless terrorists and benevolent kings into heartless despots.

This ability can be used as often as the wielder desires, requiring only the faintest touch from the rose, with a save versus magic to resist. Once a relationship or emotion has been ruined it remains so forever. While bridges can be mended and relationships reforged, the initial fouling is permanent.

The Iron Rose brokers no lovers but itself, however. Each night as its owner sleeps it invades their dreams, filling them with visions of their loved ones betraying them, of lies and vile truths that poison their heart like all others. Every night, the wielder must resist the rose or have one of their relationships or passions fouled by the rose. This continues, every night, until no love remains.

When a wielder has had their last vestige of joy burned from them, the rose and its thorns twist deeper, enveloping the wielder and transforming them into a steel wrapped wraith of pure hatred, sustained only by the magic of the rose and their spite. Once this happens, they are beyond saving, and each rose they encounter is turned into another Iron Rose.

The only way to remove the Rose is for the wielder to forgive all hatreds and feel no ire. If this is done, the rose instantly withers away into dust in the hand, destroyed beyond all recovery.


JOHN CARTER: As you can see from the explanatory diagram, the Brass Camel's magic may be invoked to allow people to climb inside and ride around.

Unfortunately, it works by shrinking the user to the size of the Camel, meaning any trip further than a few hundred feet takes more than a day.

REYNALDO MANDRINAN: Granted to Tahir the wanderer by the Lady of Wisdom of Calm, the Brass Camel can transform into a tireless mount of prodigious speed, which can only move in the direction of a quest ordained by the forces of peace and justice. Tahir was well known for both his bravery and lack of discipline, so this was something of a counter measure for that.

The camel can speak, and has an appropriately no-nonsense personality.

It often clashed with Tahir's other brass companion - a sculpture of a chimpanzee who was by all accounts, a funky monkey.

CHRIS PETERSON: The Camel of Souls (aka the Brass Camel) first appears to be a "mere" Figurine of Wondrous Powers.  However, the engravings of people on the side hint at another, more sinister purpose- the camel's hump holds not water but instead souls.  What is done with the souls is unclear to modern scholars, but it's said they are held in a sort of semi-indefinite, transformative purgatory.

In any case, once per week the user of the Camel of Souls may command it to cast Trap the Soul against a single target. But instead of being held in a gem, the victim is held inside of the camel's hump.

ERIK JENSEN: Although the enchanted statue provides a deflecting field which grants the  bearer plus one to all saves, the aura emitted by the tiny brass beast tends to irk, enrage, anger, frustrate, and cause infighting amongst those nearby, hence its name: the dramadary.  This field of emotion is cancelled out, however, if the two-humped version of the statue (the factrian) is within range, as that variant produces cool logic and an aloof disposition in addition to providing a bonus to armor class.


Nobody had suggestions for this :( If you know what this item does, tell me! My own take...

JENSEN TOPERZER: This small ceramic box smells like fresh cut flowers. Plant matter placed in this box will not rot. Meat placed in the box will rapidly decompose into fertile soil over a period of one hour, which will cause plants planted in it to grow at twice the normal rate and be especially delicious. If a plant cutting or seed is placed in the box with a bit of dirt and water, it will sprout roots and be immediately ready for planting.


CHRIS PETERSON: The core of the Rainbow Lantern is not so much an item but a creature, a benevolent ball of light akin to a lantern archon.  It mission is to spread truth and illumination to the world.  To this end, it inhabits the lantern and powers its function.  Surrounding the lantern are different colored panes of light that when looked through, reveal different wavelenghts of light.  These include light of ultravision, infravision, and even light that reveals ethereal and invisible creatures. One per week, the lantern can even focus all of its light for a true seeing spell, as well as a sunbeam.

Besides the lantern's magic functions, the light spirit can make for a knowledgeable, if chatty and flighty, conversationalist. It can also function as a normal lantern at twice effectiveness.

RICHARD G: Each colour lights up a different room of the Chromatic Palace of the Grand Wizier. The blue is his Sea of Tears, the gold his Treasury, the purple his Grotto of Passions (which others find dry and spidery). As long as you travel by one colour of light, the world around you will be as that room: all that you meet will be concerned with its ruling principle. But the lamp is the Wizier's, not yours, and many a thief has pursued the treasury, only to come out owing a king's ransom. 

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